What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 17:51
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why is there so much hate against black people?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
But, we were locked up after school.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do narcissists keep calling on the phone after years of separation?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We were not on the streets..
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why is the United States urging restraint from Israel in its conflict with Hezbollah?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I said to her
What are some negative effects of ADHD meds?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Who then, do I blame.?
So whats the point in blame.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He knew the spot.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She found it foreign!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
This is soul school!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
She loved him until the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It was going to be , some day.
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .